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 - Month 4 - Week 3

Spring Clean Your Relationship | Sex & Dating Coach Los Angeles

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Month 4 of the Naughty Challenge

Week 2: Spring Clean Your Relationships

Spring Cleaning isn't just for cleaning junk out of your house, you can use it to spring clean your relationships by seeing what's working and what isn't. We're all involved in different kinds of relationships from the moment we're born, from family relationships and the friendships we make at school and work, to romantic relationships. All of these relationships will shape who we are and influence our happiness. But it's easy to fall into bad habits where relationships are concerned. Our emotions can make us form attachments to people and situations, which become harder to break or move on from, even when we know what is happening is bad for us.

For instance, you may have a family member who is always letting you down or behaving badly towards others, but because you have a blood bond, you're reluctant to challenge them about their behavior in case it causes upset. Similarly with a lover you've been with for a long time, but you know you don't love them, or you're afraid of hurting them. You may feel bad about leaving the relationship, or you may even be afraid of their reaction if you're honest with them, so you stay in the relationship even though it's making you unhappy.

This is why learning how to spring clean your relationships is so important, because it means you'll be able to free up some vital emotional space in your life, space you can devote back to yourself, making you able to enjoy life instead of dreading every day. Spring cleaning your relationships will also make you a more confident person, which will attract into your life the kind of people you deserve.

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For Couples

Our most intimate relationships, both physically and emotionally, tend to be with lovers. We share things, we give a piece of ourselves over to their trust, and we rely on them to travel the same life journey as us. This also means that it's easy to fall into routines and habits and take the other person for granted, the same as they might do with you.

But thinking that you "have them," as though they are property or an object, means you're taking advantage of your comfortable situation, so you need to start 'spring cleaning' your relationship to keep it fresh, exciting and more likely to succeed.

This is something you should ideally do together, so talk to your lover and arrange a time to sit down so you can talk through the things below. Even if your lover doesn't want to participate, you can still do it yourself, and try and implement some of the things you learn.

Spring Clean Your Relationship | Sex & Dating Coach Los Angeles


This is probably the single most important part of any relationship because if you don't know how to talk to each other, about everything (sex, work, family, hopes and dreams...,) then you don't really have a relationship in the first place.

When it comes to sex, it's vital that you both feel able to talk about the things you like, the things you don't like, and the things you'd like to try. Discussing fantasies is a great way to kick off a discussion about sex.

This doesn't always mean just jumping in with both feet and telling your lover how you'd love to be bound and gagged while he fucks you, but it can help coax your lover to open up about things they may have thought about but been too afraid to ask you.

Choose something fun or quirky to discuss, like an article you read or a weird and wonderful travel destination you've always been curious about. Even if it's about something banal like work or which groceries you need from the store, just talking to each other regularly will make you both more comfortable about communicating when it comes to the more complicated stuff.

It's amazing how many couples don't actually talk to each other, so look at your own relationship and try and notice the amount of communication you and your lover actually manage each day - I guarantee you'll be surprised at just how little it is.

Things like having kids or a busy job means that, over time, partners talk less and less, so it's important to re-learn the art of communication and feel that connection spark into life once more, just like it was in the beginning.

Spring Clean Your Relationship | Sex & Dating Coach Los Angeles

In The Bedroom

It's time to literally spring clean your bedroom because this is where so many important relationship things happen, from pillow talk to actual sex itself. It's the place you're most intimate with one another and it's also a place of sanctuary where you each recharge your physical and emotional batteries.

So take a close look at your bedroom and ask yourself, is it really the most relaxing, comfortable, sexy place it could possibly be? Do the colors, the d'cor, the sheets, pillows or furniture make you feel truly sensual, relaxed and aroused the way a bedroom should? If not, then this means your sexual energy is being drained every time you walk into the bedroom, and that needs to change right now.

Spring clean by cleaning up together. De-clutter by removing anything which shouldn't be there. This means no electronics, no pets, no computers, phones or other electrical items, no exercise stuff, and no piles of clothes lying on the floor. Mess, in any form, should be removed, whether it's your mess or your lover's. In fact, anything that has nothing to do with sex or sleep, has no place in the bedroom.

Spring Clean Your Relationship | Sex & Dating Coach Los Angeles

Spring Cleaning Together

The month of April is all about 'out with the old and in with the new,' so it's the perfect time to bring you and your lover closer together by joining forces and de-cluttering and cleaning your home. It doesn't matter if you don't live together and have separate homes, just do both! Set a list of tasks that need doing, and offer one another naughty rewards for each chore that gets done.

Start or end with bedroom tasks, as mentioned above, and by the time you're all done, you should both be feeling ready for the ultimate, sexy reward right there in bed. If your spring cleaning tasks are too much for one day, just spread it out over the weekends, which will give you both something to look forward too during the week.

Trust me, when you start getting rid of all the things you just don't need anymore, not only will the extra space and communication time improve your relationship, but you'll both feel mentally cleansed, too, which can only benefit your relationship.

Spring Clean Your Relationship | Sex & Dating Coach Los Angeles

Sex Challenge

As you and your lover embark on your spring cleaning, add to your regular little rewards by having a 'grand reward' for each room you complete. Have sex in it! Sex shouldn't be confined to the bedroom, so every time you complete cleaning and de-cluttering an entire room, celebrate by making love in it. If this doesn't motivate you to get the whole house done, then n nothing will! And just think, you can do the same thing all over again next April!

Spring Clean Your Relationship | Sex & Dating Coach Los Angeles


We can get so wrapped up in our busy lives, especially if you have kids or a demanding job, that we take partners for granted and forget to show them how much we appreciate what they do for us. Or maybe you're just not a 'touchy-feely' person and find it difficult to show how you feel through touch. But a hug, a kiss, a brush on the arm, all these things can say so much, and they don't cost a thing to do.

So, this week, make a special effort to show affection to your partner...and keep it going every day of every month of every year. It can be subtle things like making them a cup of coffee, or holding the door open for them (women can do this, too!) Or a simple shoulder rub, stroke of the neck, or a smile that you hold for a few seconds longer in their direction.

Little things really do mean a lot, and good manners go a long way, too. Say please, say thank you, say I love you, and say it all the time, not just when you want something. Making affection part of your day, part of who you are, means it will become a more natural thing for you to do, and your lover will notice the effort you're making and, hopefully, return the gesture.

Spring Clean Your Relationship With Family And Friends | Sex & Dating Coach Los Angeles

For Family/Friends

There's a saying which goes "you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family," and, while this is true, we can still take these relationships for granted or, worse, we don't do anything about the friends or family members who are causing us unhappiness.

So this week, you need to sit down and really examine which relationships are working and which ones are dragging you down. I find it easy to make two lists, one I call "Energy Drainers" and one for "Loved Ones." For the energy drainers, it's time to decide to see who to let go in your life (this may also include family members) and for the loved ones you need to write down what you can be doing this week to show them how much you love and care about them.

Spring Clean Your Relationship | Sex & Dating Coach Los Angeles

Energy Drainers

Just because someone is a family member or a person you've known for a long time, it doesn't mean you have to like them or even associate with them. If they make you unhappy, for whatever reason, then it's time to remove them from your everyday life, it's that simple.

You're in charge of your own happiness at the end of the day, and just because someone has a blood tie to you, or you've been through other stuff which they think ties you together forever, you don't have to suffer their negative energy. Everything from your social life to your love life is affected by the other people you have around you, and energy drainers thrive on being selfish and making other people unhappy, so take control and just get rid of them.

I learned a long time ago that just because someone is family, it doesn't mean they have a right to be in my life. I have cut out many family members from my life who were energy drainers, who disrespected me, who were selfish, cruel and rude about me, and my life is tons better for it.

It's the same with friends. Yes, we can choose our friends, so exercise that choice and put yourself first for once. Do you have friends who always put you down, judge you, or make you feel bad about yourself? That's not the same as having a good friend who's honest with you and whose advice you trust, but 'friends' who use passive aggression to force their views on you or criticize your decisions, well they're not friends at all.

In fact, people who act like this usually do so to mask their own lack of confidence or self-loathing, and use their influence over you to make themselves feel better. It's up to you to decide whether that person is someone you value enough to keep in your life. If not, don't feel bad about letting them go.

Talk to them first, so you can let them know how their behavior makes you feel. Then, if they continue to treat you badly, then it's up to you to stop it by removing yourself from their world. Sometimes, allowing someone to treat you poorly is just bad as being the bully. Look at it this way, would you treat them the way they treat you? Of course you wouldn't, so why let someone else do it to you? Only allow people in your life who deserve your time, love and affection!

Spring Clean Your Relationship With Family And Friends | Sex & Dating Coach Los Angeles


This is similar to what I said about couples, about making time to show affection and appreciation to the important people in your life. Even with friends and family we can tend to take advantage of them, always expecting them to be there but, unlike a partner, family friends have much wider lives and they don't actually have a duty to be around for you 24/7 like a lover would be. So in a way, you should be making more of an effort with these people, because you never know when you're going to need them.

You may have a relative who looks after your kids when you're at work, or a friend who takes care of your house when you're away. Even if you use paid daycare for the children, or other services to help make your life a little easier, showing your appreciation to the people who are helping you, can really make a difference to their own lives.

Simple stuff like asking after someone's day, saying thank you and spending an extra thirty seconds talking to the mailman, cleaner or store assistant, it makes those people feel valued, and that can make you feel good, too.

Spring Clean Your Relationship | Sex & Dating Coach Los Angeles

Contact Someone

Because we live in a digital world now, it's so easy to stop really communicating with people because technology does everything for us. Who writes actual letters anymore? When was the last time you picked up the phone and had a real conversation instead of just writing a Post-It note or sending a one-line email or text?

We seem to have lost the art of using words to tell loved ones how we feel, so this week make it a priority to write a real letter or phone somebody. If geography or schedules are too restrictive, then by all means use emails and texts if you need to. The point is, reach out and let a special person, or people, know that you're thinking about them and they're someone special in your life. Make this a regular thing, not just for this week.

Spring Clean Your Relationship With Family And Friends | Sex & Dating Coach Los Angeles

Make Dates

As well as phoning or writing to someone special, try and make a date to physically go see them, too. Make a day of it by going on a picnic, a sports game, out to lunch go shopping, or just go for a walk together. We're always telling ourselves that we're too busy to 'fit things in,' but you're in charge of your own to time to a large extent, you just have to manage it more efficiently.

We also convince ourselves that texting or emailing someone is all we need to do to maintain those friendships or relationships, but of course there's nothing better than spending physical, quality time with a person. Body language is the strongest, most bonding form of communication out there, so if you never see a person, how to you expect your relationship to stay strong?

Spring Clean Your Relationship | Sex & Dating Coach Los Angeles

Give A Gift

Everybody loves getting gifts, right? I know I do! When someone gives you a present, it's saying that they're thinking about you, that you matter to them, that you're a special person in their life and they appreciate who you are and how you treat them.

So think about the special people in your life and get them something nice to show them how much they mean to you. If your special someone lives far away, use the internet to send them some flowers or a nice bottle of wine. Gifts don't have to cost money, either. You can make something or, for someone nearby, simply pick some fresh flowers.

It really is the thought that counts, so think wisely and pick something that you know that person will like. Gifts which are personal have a much stronger impact than something generic that just anybody could do.

Spring Clean Your Relationship | Sex & Dating Coach Los Angeles

For Solos

Relationships don't necessarily have to involve other people. After all, the most important relationship anybody can have, is the one with yourself. Nobody can share love, knowledge and intimacy if they have no idea what makes themselves tick. So it's time to get to know yourself, to spring clean your own life so you can clear enough space in your mind, your home and your love life to enable you to move forward and make your life richer and more fulfilling.

Spring Clean Your Relationship | Sex & Dating Coach Los Angeles

Spend More Time With Yourself

It's so important to spend some quality time with yourself. That might sound strange, because you're obviously always with yourself, but what I mean is you need to do things for yourself instead of spreading yourself around family and friends or doing errands.

A lot of people, if they're not spending time with others, then they're spending hours on the computer, the tablet or the phone. That isn't spending quality time with yourself, it's procrastinating, it's wasting time, it's dulling down your own senses, and all of that means that you're losing touch with who you are and the things which inspire you.

So it's time to spring clean by switching off the TV, turning off your phone, and doing something with your time. It could be something simple like just soaking in a hot bath or reading a book. Or you could take yourself out to dinner, or to the movies.

Don't go thinking that activities like that are for couples or families only - plenty of people eat out alone, I know I do! I love people-watching and just soaking up the buzz of the world going on around me. I also love experimenting with new cuisines, and I also love losing myself in a good movie, so why shouldn't I do those things in public?

Go see something you wouldn't normally see, or go a restaurant you've never tried before. Just doing something different is sometimes enough to reignite that adventurous spark inside you and remind yourself that there's a whole world out there which is waiting for you to discover it.

If you're really daring, book a solo holiday, even just a weekend in a town, city or resort you've never visited before. Traveling alone is empowering, and the best thing is that you get to decide everything you do with no interference from anybody else. Just get to know who you really are, then maybe you'll realize that there's a whole new confident personality in there whose time it is to shine.

Spring Clean Your Relationship | Sex & Dating Coach Los Angeles

Move On From A Break-up

Spring cleaning doesn't always have to be a physical cleanse, it should be an emotional one, too. Having a clear mind always helps you deal better with stress and it makes you a stronger person, too. This is especially true of break-ups, when it's hard to move on mentally.

Romantic emotions can have such a power over us, it's difficult to deal with the loss of love and the loss of trust, especially if the break-up was a bad one. But although you need time to grieve, you also need to move on with your life so you can open up the door for new joy, new adventures and new memories.

Start your emotional spring cleaning by getting rid of anything which reminds you of your ex. Photographs, clothing, gifts etc, it all needs to go because every time you see something which triggers a memory, you run the risk of wallowing in that memory and making yourself depressed again.

If there's a chance you and your ex might get back together, or some of the triggers are of particular value or meaning, then just box them all up and put them away in the attic or garage, just so they're out of sight of your everyday life. Then, after a year, or however long you need to confirm that a reunion is not on the cards, then throw it all away.

You need to stop cyber-stalking, too. You know what I mean, always checking out their Facebook statuses or scrolling through their Twitter posts. Remove them from your 'Friends' list, unlink them from all other social media, and set up blocks so you're not even able to search for them.

You could try blocking yourself from discovery, too, so he can't send you messages or keep tabs on you. You need a clean break and time to process what's happened, and you can't do that if you're seeing him, and what he's up to, online every five minutes. Similarly, remove him from your phone and delete all texts and photos.

If there are some very happy memories you really want to save, move them to a separate folder and upload it to your computer so you're not tempted to look at them all the time. Do this with social media pictures, too, just put them in a folder and archive them on your computer. No need having constant reminders around 24/7. Doing all this will help you move on faster and stop you from dwelling on the past or what 'might have been.'

Spring Clean Your Relationship | Sex & Dating Coach Los Angeles

Appreciate Yourself

This is similar to spending time with yourself, but it goes much deeper. Do you appreciate yourself? Do you take yourself for granted? The thing is, we can get so caught up in the lives of others that we don't stop to take care of ourselves or appreciate who we are. We never congratulate ourselves when we do something notable, either, because it's seen as arrogant or self-centered. But that's rubbish.

So next time you complete a big project at work or home, or you reach a milestone with your family, or simply complete a daily task, pat yourself on the back or buy yourself a gift. You work hard, you do things for others, you're a nice person, so learn how to appreciate yourself and recognize how wonderful you are. It's one thing to wait for others to tell you you've done a good job, but you don't need to because you already know. Never feel bad about feeling proud.

Spring Clean Your Relationship | Sex & Dating Coach Los Angeles

Do Something Nice For Yourself

Following on from above, just as you should always do nice things for other people, you should also take the time to do nice things for yourself, too. Treat yourself to flowers just because...well, you don't need a reason, that's the point! Treat yourself to that fabulous dress you've seen online, or take yourself out to dinner to that fancy new restaurant down the block. Whatever it is, do something that makes you happy and don't feel guilty about the indulgence because you're worth every second.

Spring Clean Your Relationship | Sex & Dating Coach Los Angeles

Eject The Energy Drainers

It's time to dust away all those people who drain your energy and make you feel low. This can be a family member, an old friend, a cranky neighbor or a co-worker who seems to make it their mission to make your day miserable. What is it about them which is draining your energy? Is it the way your boss or co-worker talks to you? Then tell them.

You can't expect things to change if you don't tell the people concerned about the things that are bothering you. By not speaking up, you're letting them know it's okay to treat you that way. Energy drainers don't have to be people, either, they can be noises or situations which interfere with your life.

Maybe you're not getting enough sleep because your lover snores, or there's loud traffic outside, so buy ear plugs and research snoring cures (or make him sleep in a separate bedroom). Some of my own energy drainers included being disturbed by the noise of the vacuum when me cleaner came round, or the sound of assistant's cell phone when she was working in my house. So I bought a quieter vacuum, and asked my assistant to switch her phone to silent.

The point is, you shouldn't have to deal with things which might have a solution, so spend this week making a list of all the things which are draining your energy, for whatever reason, and think about what you can do to solve the problem. Crossing off one energy drainer a day will really help you feel clearer and more focused. There will always be new energy drainers which appear in your life from time to time, the key is to identify and solve them as quickly as possible before they become a problem.

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